i will no longer be embarrassed i will no longer be a victim of insecurity i will no longer plague my mind with worries i exist i am allowed to exist i am allowed to take up space i will not let others dictate my experience i will live i will live i will live
2021 Review
I was almost dead certain I had posted these statistics a year ago, for 2021… alas, I’ll post them now
i AM THE BLUR OF DESTINATIONS BETWEEN TWO POINTS ON A MAP
answering the question: where am i?
- the action of mindless monotony
- complete contrasts, including the map of my mind (black and whites, sharp and soft)
- constructed concept moving piece - using a right angle gear so that when the handle is turned, the train moves around the points
i’m the high on a friday night
i’m the liquor of delight
when it’s not enough
and bottles multiply
this is not my cry -
this is their cry
this is the bite,
not enough to be polite,
i am chased,
out of sight
self made photobooth
i know what it’s like to be watched from eerie shadows, to almost die in vain - scissors to my heart and my head inside a flame
POCKET YOUR WORRY
Art exhibition - Greater Brighton Metropolitan College
Saturday night, just poured maybe my fifth drink. Not unusual, except for the fact it might of been more in previous years. I don’t think that’s really such an issue, anymore.
Halsey’s on my spotify, again. It’s been like this for nearly two weeks. Their entire discography, actually. I seemed to find the correlation between the timeline of events in my life with her albums and when they were released. I know I related at the time, of each, but even so looking back I can visualise everything happening according to the tracks. The lyrics themselves have always spoken true to my own experiences at the present moment.
I found myself creating and fully picturing my life with the soundtrack, like a bad musical, partly performing and showing visuals of possible recreations. This started while I was at work with my headphones in as I edited the garments we had shot.
Then I went home, poured a drink, and reorganised the songs slightly according to my own exact timeline. I performed.
Mostly in my head.
Every single song.
Now each track throws me right back to what I imagine in my head, the personal events.
I fear that my ridiculous reality disappoints my dreams.
I long for my slumbers, and my state asleep. My dreams know me better than my lovers. I can only control so much awake, but it’s left to my brain to connect the dots in my own distant fantasies - I enjoy that more. I am obsessed with sleep.
Awake, I live my life in a constant slideshow or what has been, and what could be. I live through my past profusely. I recount every step in this exhausting journey. Every trauma locked away in my rusty cabinet.
I believe in that self to be somebody eventually.
I feel I am a star locked inside my own vision of a nightmare. Maybe I was in the past. I feel I should be, but not in this body.
But I live as though I am, in my mind.
Am I unhappy and less satisfied with my life because it ultimately is not what I picture every second I breathe in the world we consider real?
my glitter jacket shed, and with collecting the pieces I created a mood
serendipity
[ ser-uhn-dip-i-tee ] noun
the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
